Today is your birthday.
The first of many without you!
It makes me so angry to have to scroll further and further down the photo gallery just to find a picture of you!
Writing has always helped me, but these past few months I haven’t been able to do it.
The few sentences I tried to write were left unfinished, just as everything else has been left…
I keep tiptoeing through life, doing a thousand things and trying to fill the gaps because I’m afraid that if I stop, I’ll shatter into a thousand pieces; and in the meantime, I clench my teeth so hard that everything else hurts.
I’m drifting, in a place I’m not sure is really mine.
I’ve been at odds with the night, but instead of making peace with it, I’ve adjusted my schedule.
I work during hours I am unable to handle, because I see you stop breathing every time I close my eyes.
Someone said that grief is more than sadness, it’s love with nowhere to go.
It’s wanting to share something with that person, and realizing they are not there to listen.
It’s the ache of understanding they will never grow older, while you keep moving forward.
Moving forward, and carrying the weight of the future they never got to see.
Some days are better, some are ok-ish and others are just bad!
Tonight I’m celebrating you in my own way, holding your stone a little tighter, and hoping that all this love reaches you somehow!
I wish I could figure out how to move forward without feeling guilty for being alive.
I wish I could adjust the 1000 projects in my mind.
I wish I could breathe with enough air.
I wish I could find the right balance between running.
I wish I could find the right balance between running a marathon and running in circles.
I wish I could see myself through your eyes!
Happy birthday bimbi, wherever you are! 💚🍄